What Could Have Been: Masquerade
by mon-petit-pois
Summary: Because no one goes through what Ziva did and magically comes out "fine." Knee injury my ass. Why does Tony REALLY have a therapist?


After checking for a tail for the fifth time, he pulled into the parking lot of his therapist's office. He didn't want anyone to know,_especially _Ziva, that he was seeing a therapist. He wasn't a head case. However, he knew Ziva that would tease him endlessly if she found out he was getting professional help.

But he knew she wouldn't dare tease him if she knew exactly what it was that he talked to the shrink about.

He could have gone to the NCIS shrink, but Dr. Bracko just didn't seem to cut it. Plus, he had a reputation to uphold. If people thought he started seeing a shrink because he found out his partner was dead, they wouldn't think he was crazy. But if they found out he continued to see the shrink when he found out she was _alive_, the news would spread like wildfire.

"Ah, Tony. How are you today?" Dr. Campbell asked. Tony sighed as he sat down in the plush armchair.

"Not so good. I accidentally let slip to Probie that I had a therapist. I told him it was because I hurt my knee, that it was a _physical_therapist, but McGullible isn't so gullible anymore," Tony explained.

"Tony, you know you can tell them that you are seeing a therapist," Dr. Campbell reminded him.

"No. I can't. I have a reputation. It's nothing personal, I promise you. But if they found out I was seeing a shrink..."

"Gibbs already knows," the doctor pointed out.

"But that's because he's _Gibbs._ Plus, he needs to know so he can give me the time off to come here," Tony explained.

"Tony, what are you afraid of?"

"I'm not some basket case!"

"Tony, you came to me because you couldn't handle what happened to you, and to your partner. You came to me because you were letting your imagination run wild, and the thoughts of what your partner went through were just too much. You came to me because of all of the things that have happened the last summer."

"I know why I came."

"You need to_ talk_ to Ziva, Tony. It's the only way you will ever be able to know what she went through. I know it hurts you to think of her in pain, but your imagination can't run wild if you know for sure what happened."

"What if the truth hurts more?" he asked.

"You are going to have to take that risk, Tony. Ziva needs to know you are there for her. From what you have told me about her, she is probably trying to suffer through this on her own."

"But she doesn't have to! All she has to do is ask for help-"

"From what you have told me about her, she won't ask. Her pride means too much to her. She doesn't know she can ask you. You need to tell her you are there for her."

"I... What so I just show up at her apartment and tell her 'Oh hey, yeah my therapist thinks I should tell you that if you ever want to tell me the terrible things that the terrorists did to you, I will listen?'"

"I'm sure you can come up with a better way to bring it into conversation than that."

"Yesterday we were in a warehouse. We talked about it. But she was very vague, and the conversation lasted all of a minute. And it's not exactly something that you can just bring into everyday conversation," Tony pointed out.

"Just try," Dr. Campbell prompted. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Okay, fine."

…

He paused _From Russia With Love_ when he heard a knock. He got up, puzzled. He hadn't ordered pizza.

"Ziva? What are you-"

"Can I come in?" she interrupted.

"Um... sure..." Tony said, opening the door wider to let her in.

"Something has been bothering me, and I need to ask you a question," she explained as she went to sit on his couch, motioning for him to do that same.

"What is it?"

"I um... Tony why are you seeing a therapist?" she asked, urgently. Tony looked at her with a shocked look on his face.

"How..."

"McGee was concerned. As am I."

"I am going to _kill_ McNosey," Tony growled.

"Do not blame him. Tony, you are my partner, and if something in your life is so bad you feel the need to go to a _civilian _therapist, _and _keep it a secret, I need to know."

"I thought you would be teasing me right about now," Tony chuckled.

"Why would I tease you? Tony, you are my partner, and I am concerned. Why are you seeing a therapist? How long has this been going on?"

"I just thought it would be, you know, interesting to get a professional opinion of myself-"

"That's bullshit, Tony," Ziva sighed.

"I'm seeing a shrink 'cause of you, okay?" Tony admitted, his patience worn thin. Ziva leaned back.

"You... what?"

"I can't handle thinking about all the things they did to you. It's killing me to think of all the horrors you endured while we were back here, safe in D.C., Looking for your replacement!" Tony replied.

"I... Tony..." she said, still unable to think of a way to respond.

"Ziva, I can't take not knowing. I can't take the fact that you _need_ help but won't let anyone help you. I want to help, but..."

"So you decided to see a shrink?"

"I thought you were dead. I was so depressed, Ziva. The only thing that kept me going was the search for Saleem, and knowing that I would be dead soon. Dead with _you._ Because I truly can't live without you. Do you realize how much it messed me up? And then, I found myself googling things that terrorists did to their prisoners, Ziva. I shouldn't have, but I did. And now... now just can't get the image of you out of my head, laying in a puddle of your _own blood_, sobbing on the floor of a concrete cell, _wishing_ for death, and thinking no one would ever come for you..." Tony said in a tortured voice, putting his head in his hands. Ziva just stared at him.

She wanted to tell him that hadn't happened, that he was just letting his imagination get the best of him.

But that would be a lie. That _had_ happened. Many, _many_ times.

"Tony... it is over. I just need to heal. And I will let you help me. I do not want to go through this alone," she said.

"I will be there. I promise."

"That is all I ask of you," she said, and leaned in so he could wrap his arms around her.

Healing would not come quick. Healing would take a while. But she is willing to let him in. He cares about her so much that he would see a therapist because he was concerned about the things that happened to her.

All those months in Somalia, she had been convinced she was unloved in this world. She could rot there and no one would care. No one would know. Each day that passed without rescue, she became even more sure of her fate. Each day she gave up on life a little more.

But they had found her, because they cared.

Because they _did_ love her, and they would always be there to catch her if she falls.


End file.
